Me, Interviewing the HP Characters!
by Lady Darkshine
Summary: *New!* Exactly what the title says. READ IT! It's halarious! Seriously! So far, there's an interview with Dumbledore, Ron, Hagrid and Malfoy. They are all very funny and this, my freind, it NOT A MARY SUE!
1. Interviewing Dumbledore!

Why, hello there! How simply spiffing to meet you! This is Lady Darkshine, if you haven't realized it yet, and I'm here to tell you a bit of a story. No, it's not gonna be some lame "once upon a time" story with fortunate endings that make your eyes sparkle. It's not even something that I'd write for my readers. Those of you who thought that's what they'd get for accessing this page, just for a second, get real. This… is an interview. "_Interview: A meeting to which two or more persons face each other for the purpose of obtaining information as to aptitude, skills, etc. When one may be interviewed, one may mumble, shrug, murmur or gurgle _(see Jean Chrétien.)"__

            I got my shinning moment to interview the characters from the wildly popular Harry Potter Series in the Great Hall of the Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Yes, folks… this will go down in history. I traveled overseas… _way_ overseas… to meet these fascinating individuals, and speak with them on an utmost personal level. You may access information that is highly dangerous, exciting or even… dare I say it… _humiliating._

            So sit back in your seats, my readers… because you're in for a bumpy ride.

**…~'*'~…******

_Me-_ "Here I am, overseas at England with one of my newly obtained friends, Albus Dumbledore. *shuffles stack of papers* Now tell me, Albus… what is your opinion of the Harry Potter series. What's your thoughts of the whole idea?"

_Albus Dumbledore-_ "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

_Me-_ *looking confused* "Pardon me?"

_Albus Dumbledore-_ *chuckling* "I do apologize, Miss… Darkshine, is it? I've watched the most hilarious Muggle movie recently, Gone with the Wind. Fascinating, that Clarke Gable is, don't you agree?"

_Me_- *raising eyebrows* "Er… yes."

_Albus Dumbledore-_ "I think the idea of a woman writing such a series is brilliant. It gives insight for Harry Potter, and he could use that at the moment, with all the accusations made."

_Me-_ "I agree completely. And that brings me to another question… about the book burnings-"

_Albus Dumbeldore-_ *jumps to his feet* "Why, those nasty scoundrels… you'll pay! You have no right to perform witch burnings, you POMPUS COWARDS!"

_Me-_ *looking utterly frightened* "_Book _burnings, sir. Not witch burnings. *now ignoring the fact that Albus Dumbledore is acting like Leslie Neilson, more than anyone* "So to the point… how do you like the way Joanne Rowling created your character? Did she get inside your head at all?"

_Albus Dumbledore-_ *stares at Lady Darkshine for a long moment* "Do you honestly think this white mane of mine is natural? And these aging wrinkles happen to be fake *folds his arms and looks away*"

_Me-_ "No, sir… your area and character. Did she capture that at all?"

_Albus Dumbledore-_ "Well, apparently not. I'm quite bright minded, as-a-matter-of-fact. I haven't as many mind-drifting-off sequences as my character has… and I have a longer attention span *spots table in front of him. Looks intrigued. Runs a finger over its surface* Simply fascinating. _Pure mahogany_."

_Me-_ "Professor Dumbledore. Sir? Please, I'm not quite finished my interview."

_Albus Dumbledore-_ *thumps fist on table, looking outraged* "Come on out, you dirty rat!" *stares at table expectantly*

_Me-_ *Looks at camera* "This interview is over."

**…~'*'~…**

Yep. It didn't take me long to realize that I caught Albus on a bad day. Apparently, a certain notch in the table we were sitting at had done something naughty. My camera crew and I left as soon as we could afterwards, and caught up with a real acquaintance of Hogwarts Academy, the oafish-seeming giant Rubeus Hagrid. He invited me inside his cabin for an interview after a little convincing and brought me a cup of tea. I began to think that an interview with him would be completely ordinary and composed… boy was I wrong.


	2. Interviewing Hagrid!

_Me-_ "Here I am with Harry Potter's giant of a friend, Rubeus Hagrid. Tell me, Hagrid… how have you been dealing with the resent discoveries and horror from the Darkside?"

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ "I see it this way: as long as Dumbledore's with us, he ain't getting' us no how. Dumbledore's too smart for that lot, yeh know?"

_Me_- *staring hopelessly at the camera* "So… the whole existence of life as we know it lies in the hands of the Headmaster?"

_Rubeus Hargid_- "Tha's exactly what I'm sayin'. He's on a short rope at the moment, but we don' need ter worry."

_Me-_ *clears throat* "Moving on… as you and the rest of the world knows, Harry Potter number five is running a bit late. Any words on that?"

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ "Well, there's a lot ter cover about this year, Miss. There's all this dark stuff happenin' with the rise of You-Know-Who *leans towards me* An' Harry finds out that he…"

_Me-_ *looking hopeful* "Yes?"

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ *looking ashamed* "Er… nothin'. Harry _doesn't_ find out that he's a… *claps a giant hand over mouth* I said too much!"

_Me-_ "Well, there's a small hint for the fifth book. Harry finds out that he' something new."

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ "Somethin' new *chuckles, making the table tremble* Yeh kin call it _somethin' _if yeh like, but It's somthin', calling it… 'somethin'."

_Me_- "What are you saying? That what we find out about Harry in the fifth book is sensational?"

_Rubeus Hagrid_- "_Sensational?_ I'm surprised The Daily Prophet hasn't bin yappin' about it, ever since… opps."

_Me-_ *looking tremendously excited* "M-moving on. So, about the Quidditch issue… I assume that Harry was a bit rusty, getting back on his broom for the first time this year.

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ *smiling very widely* "Rusty? He crashed in the' the stands the firs" time! Gave a first year a bleedin' nose. But it was all cleared up, an" everythin', once he got back teh solid ground *puts on a serious face* Not that there's anything wrong with 'em."

_Me-_ "I see. But the reason for the question is the players and who they are. This year, Harry will be the only player left on the Gryffindor team. Any words?"

_Rubeus Hagrid- _"As everyone mus' know, yeh can't play without yer beaters, chasers and keeper. An' every Quidditch team needs a captain" *twists in his chair restlessly*"

_Me-_ "So… what you mean is Madam Hooch got the replacements already? And the captain?"

_Rubeus Hagrid-_ "Uh… *shuffles his feet* Yeh can't just get one of them new players teh do it all."

_Me-_ *beaming with anticipation* "Really? So that practically makes Harry-"

_Rubues Hagrid-_ *jumping to his feet, looking furious* THAS" ENOUGH! YEH WORE OUT YER WELCOME! OUT WITH YEH!"

_Me-_ *screams with protest*

**…**

**…**

**…**

Me- *clutching an umbrella, her face red under her water-drenched hood* "Here I am… outside of Hagrid's hut. Obviously, I'm no longer welcome. And it has conveniently started to rain… this interview is over".

**…~'*'~…**

I used to like Hagrid. I think I like Robbie Coltrain better *evil cackle*. Anyways, after a while of trudging through the cold, wet, pneumonia-causing muck up the sloping lawns back to the warm, comfortable, welcoming castle, I meet up with another person to interview. I attempt to hide my horrible loathing and uncontrollable hate towards him, but it wasn't as easy as it seems in this interview. In fact… I kind of fell apart.


	3. Interviewing Dear Draco!

_Me-_ "Here I am with Draco Malfoy, Slytherin's nobility and the most hated boy in all of Hogwarts.

_Draco Malfoy-_ *Swells with pride*

_Me-_ "Tell me, Mr. Malfoy… what do you like most about your house, Slytherin?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ *looks defensive* "What kind of a question is that?"

_Me-_ "One that you should answer *grins and bears it*" 

_Draco Malfoy-_ "Practically everything! Slytherin had always been the best house in Hogwarts."

_Me--_ *smiles confidently at the camera* "As you can see, my readers, Slytherins are particularly defensive of their house. That could be good or bad, depending on the situation. But compared to Gryffindor, that's rather off them. Gryffindor doesn't boast about their house *glares at Draco Malfoy* and think they're superior to everyone else."

_Draco Malfoy-_ *grumbles*

_Me--_ *looking cheery again* "Anyways, Mr. Malfoy. Have you read the Harry Potter series?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ *looking extremely sarcastic* "Not recently."

_Me-_ *looking abashed* "Dear me! You've got to be the only person in the _entire_ world who hasn't! I"ll be sure to put _that _in the article."

_Draco Malfoy-_ "Whatever."

_Me-_ "What's your reaction to the fact that Joanne Rowling is writing such a brilliant series?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ "It's complete rubbish! Who in their right mind would what to write every move Potter and his stupid friends make? It's absurd!"

_Me- _*turns around and talks quietly into the camera, smiling* "This is not part of the documentation. Mr. Malfoy is acting jealous deliberately, and should not be taken seriously by anyone."

_Draco Malfoy-_ *leaning in to hear correctly* "Jealous? I'm not _jealous!"_

_Me-_ *Returns to the interview* "Mr. Malfoy, are you aware that your father, Lucius Malfoy, is a well-known supporter of Voldemort?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ *biting lip, looking panicky* "I… I'm not jealous!"

_Me-_ "I repeat, Mr. Malfoy, are you aware that your father, Lucius Malfoy, is a well-known supporter ofVoldemort?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ *shifts in chair uneasily* "I have n-no reason to be jealous, you Mudblood!"

_Me-_ *smiles innocently at Draco Malfoy* "Insults will get you nowhere unless you want your broom vigorously stuffed up your nose. Now do tell me. Lucius Malfoy, your father, is a well-known supporter of You-Know-Who. Are you aware of that?"

_Draco Mafloy-_ *looking paler than usual* "That's the same question only reversed!"

_Me-_ *still smiling brightly* "Yes, well, for such a little brat like yourself, I thought I'd switch it up a bit to make you answer. I thought for a moment that you're too brainless to notice."

_Draco Malfoy-_ *jumping to his feet, ears pink* "I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO THAT WAY!"

_Me-_ *looking mockingly surprised* "What do you mean, you useless little twerp? What other way to you want me to speak to you?"

_Draco Malfoy-_ "In a respectful way!"

_Me-_ "But… I haven't any respect for you!"

_Draco Malfoy-_ *looking furious* "THAT'S IT! YOU"LL BE SURE DUMBLEDORE HEARS ABOUT THIS! *stomps away in a huff*"

_Me-_ *screaming and the slamming of a door heard in the background* "I wonder why the scum-at-the-bottom-of-my-shoe left? I was beginning to think that he was all talk. Oh well. *Smiles proudly* This interview is over"

**…~'*'~…**

Sorry folks. That's all from the Amazing Bouncing Ferret… and I couldn't have it any other way.

            Now, on to someone who really matters… Ron Weasley, Harry Potter's partner in crime and the silly, comical, sarcastic boy with the red hair and freckles. This interview went surprisingly well, due to the fact that I don't like Ron that much. You'll see why in a moment.


	4. Interviewing Ron 'I overreact far to muc...

_Me-_ "Here I am with Ron Weasley, one of Harry's most best friends, in the lovely Gryffindor common room. How are you today, Mr. Weasley?"

_Ron Weasley-_ "Fine and dandy."

_Me-_ "Excellent. Let's get to it than, shall we? To my first question: did you have any worth-while friends before you met Harry Potter and Hermione Granger?"

_Ron Weasley-_ "No, not really. There was this boy called Christopher Parker, but he wasn't very nice, friend-wise. He used to pull wisecracks because of my hair and-"

_Me-_ "Fascinating! Don't tell me any more!"

_Ron Weasley-_ *raises eyebrows* "Uh…"

_Me-_ "Mr. Weasley, are you familiar with the Harry Potter series?"

_Ron Weasley-_ "Pretty much."

_Me-_ "Very well. Are you anything like your character? Do you portray his lack of wisdom and significant humorous-like impression?"

_Ron Weasley-_ *sighs* "Actually, yes. I don't know if it's good or bad, but my character is just like me."

_Me-_ *coughs into hand* "It's bad."

_Ron Weasley-_ *blinks* "W-what's that?"

_Me-_ *smiles pleasantly* "Nothing at all! Next question. You have read The Goblet of Fire, have you not?"

_Ron Weasley-_ "No, I haven't gotten that far."

_Me-_ *looking abashed* "Y-you haven't?"

_Ron Weasley-_ "No…"

_Me-_ "Well, you're missing a great deal. The way Joanne Rowling writes it, you look like a prat! *laughs*"

_Ron Weasley-_ *red in the face* "What d'you mean?"

_Me-_ "Well, with what happened to Harry in the Tournament, you seem so thoughtless and rude."

_Ron Weasley-_ *looking amazed* "You know about that? How?"

_Me-_ "The book, silly! *turns to the camera* It's obvious, my readers, that Harry isn't up to the challenge of telling his horrific story to his best friend."

_Ron Weasley-_ *looking thoughtful* "Hummmmm…"

_Me-_ *stares, looking angry* "Don't you dare, Ron Weasley, don't you dare _think _of that!"

_Ron Weasley-_ "Excuse me?"

_Me-_ "Do you realize how unhappy you made him, thinking that he entered himself into the Tournament? The fact that one of his best friends didn't believe him depressed him even more."

_Ron Weasley-_ *stunned* "Where'd you see-"

_Me-_ "HARRY POTTER AND THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT, THE FIFTH BOOK, RONALD WEASLEY!"

_Ron Weasley-_ *looking afraid… very afraid* "Er… OK."

_Me-_ "I wont allow you to get that book, Ron, for I don't think Harry would trust you to know what happened in that maze. But _I_, on the other hand, trust you more than I should. *shifts through papers in front of her* Ah, yes. Here it is *lifts up a large, red book with the picture of a boy and a dragon on the cover*"

_Ron Weasley-_ *watching the cover. I'm not sure if he's fascinated about the still images or his friend on the cover*

_Me-_ *flips through book and stops near the end* "Here we are. I'll read to you a portion of what happens to Harry… and Voldemort."

_Ron Weasley-_ *gasps, clapping a hand to his mouth*

_Me-_ *presses finger to lips warningly. Starts to read passage* "From far away, above his head, he heard a high, cold voice say, 'kill the spare.' A swishing noise and a second voice, which screeched into the words into the night: _"Avada Kedavra"…_a blast of light blazed through Harry's eyelids… Cedric was lying spread-eagled on the ground beside him. He was dead."

_Ron Weasley-_ *making a gurgling noise, his mouth twitching*

_Me-_ "Care to hear more? *flips a few pages* I will, then. Voldemort moved slowly forward, and turned to face Harry. He raised his wand. _Crucio!"_

_Ron Weasley- _*Mouthing wordlessly*

_Me-_ "'It was pain beyond anything Harry had ever experienced; his bones were on fire; his head was surely splitting along his scar; his eyes were rolling to the back of his head; he wanted it to end… to black out… to die.' *looks at Ron, who's freckles have dissolved* That's enough, I think."

_Ron Weasley-_ "Is t-there anything else y-you could tell me?"

_Me-_"Yes! There is! *flips through pages* I was just reading last night and I saw this part that I think you'll like. It's right on page four hundred. *finds the page and starts to read* 'I'd try putting it _in_ the water is I were you.' Harry swallowed a considerable amount of bubbles in shock. He stood up, spluttering… 'Myrtle!' Harry said in an outrage. 'I'm-I'm not wearing anything!'"

_Ron Weasley-_ *looking stunned* "Wha- er… uh… huh?"

_Me-_ *still reading* "'He had never seen Moaning Myrtle so cheerful, apart from the day when Hermione's dose of Polyjuice had given her the hairy face and tail of a cat'."

_Ron Weasley-_ "What was he thinking? Why was he… when did he… WHAT THE HECK WAS _THAT?_"

_Me-_ *turning to camera* "A passage from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Ron Weasley. It is on the shelves of millions of bookstores worldwide. Go to www.bloomsbury.com for more information! There, you will slip into the mind of Harry Potter himself!"

_Ron Weasley-_ "Yeah, the _dirty_ mind of Harry Potter! *turning red, like a cherry* I-I had NO IDEA! _Where is he?_ Oh… I know. He's studying with Hermione. *claps a hand over his open mouth* _H-HE'S WITH HERMIONE?_ AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! *jumps up and runs away, waving his arms and knocking several first years to the ground*

_Me-_ "Well… he certainly misunderstood me. *smiles anyways* For those of your who are wondering, Harry Potter is not 'dirty' *laughs* I mean… why on earth would Ron get an idea like _that?_ This interview is over."

**…~'*'~…**

            Harry Potter should drop Ron Weasley right away. Hermione should too, actually. He's just too… sick minded. Anyways, I hope Harry is still in mint condition so I could interview him. But at the moment, he's dodging flying book and inkwells (thrown by Ron) in the library while Hermione dances franticly on the spot, screaming insults at Ron. So right now, I'll have to find someone else to interview. You'll never guess who. I'll give you a hint: this man has a condition called 'can't-wash-hair-until-Potter-and-his-pathetic-friends-are-eliminated-while-quailing-under-my-furious-gaze' syndrome. Hey, what can I say? It's flu season. Anyway, I caught the Greaseball hiding his him dungeon. Hiding from whom, you ask? Who else? *knowing smile*


End file.
